Tuesday, August 23, 2011

5.9 on the Richter Scale....

So....yeah....there was an earthquake today.  Apparently, somewhere outside Washington DC, there was a small to medium sized earthquake today.  That doesn't happen too often so I think it's time to assess what it all means.

I am of the understanding that all natural disasters are a sign from above. A warning that things are not going as the Almighty would have planned.  Let's review:  Hurricane Katrina was obviously some sort of divine retribution for New Orleans giving us someone like Emeril Legasse. Sure, the response to hurricane the Federal Government would not have satisfied a hall monitor at Baton Rouge Elementary School conducting a fire drill.  How can you possibly hope to survive when God uses Katrina to hit that evil coastline with a bit of His own essence.  BAM!!!

Let's move on to the eruption of Mt Novarupta on June 6, 1912 on the Alaska Peninsula.  1912 would have been about the time that Sarah Palin's grandparents were trying to decide whether or not the back seat of the car was a good option.  I think we know how the Omnipotent One feels about Sarah Palin.  The eruption was obviously the Great Foreseer's way of pre-emptively punishing a state that would not leave Mrs. Palin alone.  Lawsuit after lawsuit was thrown at this lady's doorstep.  And for what?  How big a deal is it that she used her influence to convince Alaskan State Troopers that it was ok, nay, expected that they harass citizens on behalf of jilted lovers.   And the rest of the country is not out of the clear either.  I hide under the bed every time Palin is ridiculed on TV for fear of massive amounts of lightening bolts being thrust upon the earth by He Who Wields the Bolts.

Oh, it's another one you want.  This past summer we witnessed unprecedented floods as the Mississippi River overflowed its banks.  A weather happening due to global warming you ask?  Nay, says I.  This was obviously revenge for the many dances with the Devil that the south has enjoyed.  I'm not talking about slavery, Jim Crow, the KKK, or catfish grappling.  I'm talking about the fact that this area is home to some of the worst city planning since Nero decided to construct Rome out of wood.  It is not uncommon for small towns in the south to have more one way streets than actual drivers.  Or the fact that there are more churches and auto parts stores per square inch than grains of sand on the beach.  The Man Upstairs is truly displeased.

I could go on and on but I will not.  I will not dishonor those who have been effected by the DC ShakeUp of 2011.  I will not sit idly by and look the other way as the Great Earthshaker in the Sky sends me a message.  I know why He's upset.  It should be obvious to everyone.  It's Obama.  This guy is the worst kind of president.  What kind of president takes time to look at all sided of the argument?  What kind of president tries to actually compromise with the opposing party? What kind of president would rather see poor people pay less money to the government than the people who enjoy rides in private planes?  What kind of president would want to see every person, rich or poor, enjoy the top notch care provided by American hospitals?  I'll tell you what kind: a stone cold wuss.  The Great Physician wants a president who speaks loudly and has someone else carry a massive stick for him.  He wants a president who shoots from the hip.  He wants a president that wants to limit student reading to only those books found between Genesis and Proverbs.  He wants a president who would be such a patriot and lover of America, sorry, "Merica," that he would secede from that country just to prove a point.  Well, he would secede from the country until he needed money from said country for other messages sent from the One Up Above.  He wants a president that can obviously separate signs from God from weather events that might prevented by the human race understanding that their actions are destroying the planet that He created.  He wants a president that would have the poor and uninsured fend for themselves.  God knows that the more that occurs the more he gets to populate His realm with truly appreciative souls.  He wants a president from his favorite state: Texas.

I'm talking to you Rick Perry.  Do us the favor of winning the White House so none of these natural disasters occur again.  Grace us with your love of country, good steak, hair spray, and Tastee Freeze.  Grant us the honor of being right about the fact that we don't need a president who studied constitutional law or was Editor of the Harvard Law Review.

Who needs that when you could have a guy that barely graduated community college  but was a hell of a drinker?  It's not like we've ever had someone like that before.......oh......wait......

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