Sunday, August 21, 2011

And then there was one.....

Well...I am alone now.

What happened?  I had a seemingly happy marriage.  Things were not perfect but they were certainly looking up.  My wife and I moved to a town we love, she found a job she enjoyed, and I was happy with my career.  Then, about a month ago, all that was done.

I am left with an empty apartment and an unhappy a massive empty space inside of me that I have tried to fill with everything from local beer, copious amounts of running, coaching soccer, teaching school, and playing a bit of tennis. Don't get me wrong, these things are great, but none of them will replace what was once there.

I realized that last night.  On the surface it was a day for the ages.  From the moment I woke I spent my day doing things that truly made me happy.  On the surface, it was one of the best days I have had in quite some time.  Around 7 AM I woke, made 2 eggs, some coffee and watched a large amount of soccer on TV.  So far, so good.  Around noon, I watched a tennis match.....which I thoroughly enjoyed, not so much because I like watching tennis but I got to hang out with some great people and cheer on a great friend.

After that, it was a couple pints at the Bywater, a Tourists game, and a little dart throwing at a downtown watering hole.

Like I said, on the surface it was a great day.

But at some point time I end up at home.  With nothing but an empty apartment, an emptier space inside, and an unhappy cat.

I have decided that there are going to be times when I'm sad.  There are going to be times when there is no way possible to fill the emptiness that exists.  There are going to times when I mistakingly try to fill that emptiness and quell that sadness in a manner that probably isn't the best.  My hope is that more often than not I don't try to fill the emptiness and quell the sadness in a manner that probably isn't best.

So, I'm putting it out there.  I going to chronicle the next year.  I hope that in doing so, I can help others going through the same thing I am going through.  I also hope that this provides some therapy and comfort to me.

The emptiness will always be there but I think every time I get up recognize that there is a void and appreciate the situation I am in, that emptiness will decrease.  There is a song I love by Trampled by Turtles called "Blood Shot Eyes."  The opening lines, I believe, say what I am feeling best.  I will close the first post with those lines.

It's empty where you were,
Just a big empty hole
I've tried every bottle
Every pill that I know
But time, precious time
Works better than wine
And them blood shot eyes

(Side note - I really need to apologize to someone for my actions and words last night.  I was an idiot and said something really stupid.  I made a mistake and will probably make more.  I just hope I didn't ruin what I feel can be a great friendship.)

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